An Intense Young Man at an Open Mic

Intense...Young...Man

Andrew Blair's first collection, 'An Intense Young Man at an Open Mic Night' does everything it says on the tin, except it's not a tin, it's a book (oh shut up you know what I mean !)

An Intense Young Man at an Open Mic Night is the debut collection by Andrew Blair, the ex-Godfather of Edinburgh Poetry. After figuratively bursting onto the scene with some thinly veiled stand-up about the actor Robert Pattinson, Blair is now an established figure  (It’s easy, you just keep turning up) who hosts the event Poets Against Humanity and the podcast Poetry as F*ck. In this collection, Blair attempts to put some poems in a book for the purposes of entertainment.

 

 Disclaimer    by Andrew Blair

 This poetry book will not change the world in a way that might be deemed progressive.

This poetry book will change the world but only in a way that might be described as pedantically technical.

This poetry book has been written by a poet who is incredibly aware that he overuses the list poem format.

This poetry book has been written to the best of the author's ability. If its poems prove to be popular, they will soon be discovered to be slightly too long to utilise in a slam.

This poetry book will be rehearsed so as to be performed with style and verve, despite its subject matter being a depiction of a broken individual totally lacking in confidence.

 This poetry book will most likely be read from a shuddering piece of A4 paper as the poet believes this image conveys a sense of urgency, that its poetry is a recent creation borne from a mind constantly teeming with new ideas; that the poet is a veritable polymath who is so constantly inspired he polished this old thing off just this afternoon.

This poetry book will most likely be performed once due to the poet's waning enthusiasm,so if you aren't enjoying this poetry book, savour it.

This poetry book is about as rhythmically satisfying as a bout of diarrhoea.

This poetry book contains no physical journeys.

This poetry book contains no emotional journeys.

This poetry book isn't content with being merely 'a bit silly', it wants to say something about the world even if that world is the incredibly narrow and blinkered world of poetry, and no one within the incredibly narrow and blinkered world of poetry actually cares.

This poetry book contains no interesting word usage or imagery, like Jeremy Clarkson trapped in a potato.

This poetry book contains no personal revelations or pathos, like the will of a distant father.

 This poetry book contains material that might shock and offend, such as the letter Jeremy Clarkson's children read informing them that their father has suffocated in unusual circumstances.

Maybe Jeremy Clarkson was a distant parent, maybe he was scarcely present, but from the day he felt his arms give with their weight, he no longer looked at the stars, for there was nothing as precious in heaven.

 This poetry book has pretensions of ambiguity.

 This poetry book’s aim is brought to you by an unreliable narrator.

 This poetry book has no real ending, merely an acknowledgement that the poet ran out of ideas and decided to just stop abruptly in the hope that addressing this failing might be considered provocative in lieu of actual content.